333 Ironic Ways to Get Kicked Out of WalMart
by OneGirlStudio
Summary: It's SUMMER TIME, you and your FRIENDS are bored out of your TEENAGED MINDS and you all have to find a way to distract from your post-traumatic STRESS DISORDERS. What better way than to get kicked out of Wal-Mart? minor PepsiCola and a few other pairs.
1. DAVE: Submit to your fate

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Homestuck… NO SHIT!**_

* * *

_== Submit to your fate_

* * *

_This is stupid._

You think with an inward grimace, as you are unwillingly lead by the arm into the (surprisingly _menacing_) "mini-hell-on-earth' that was known as Wal-Mart.

_This entire thing is stupid._

"Lighten up Dave!"

"Fuck you Egderp."

Your Bro turns to smirk down at you and you glare right back at the asshole – or the Strider version of one, it was literally a single twitch of the eyebrow. "Don't even try to run Lil' man you know I'll catch you before you even get a solid meter."

"Well fuck you too. Why don't you go back home and have sloppy makeouts with English?" you say bluntly – of course you pay for it with a painful smack upside the head, but it was well worth the ridged posture your Bro took on as his muscles froze in place; oh and that look on his face for those 2.56 seconds (you counted) was fucking _priceless_. And OH so un-ironic at that… you almost consider just entering the Wal-Mart with no further complaints.

Almost.

"Why are we doing this? Why am I _letting _you make me do this? This is stupid… It's like… bro… this is like so fucked up on _so _many levels."

Jade beams up at you, eyes near shining (no, not even messing with you man. Fucking. Sparkling. Like crappy firecrackers on a dry 4th of July eve, ones that you'd just bought at the last second from a questionable salesman in a back alley – very much expecting duds only to be surprised as they lit up like motherfucking Christmas lights on – sorry you got off topic), if that girl were a dog, you'd _swear _her tail would be wagging right now… "Because its summer, we're all bored, and we need something to take our minds off of… um… the game… you know?" she says shifting from one foot to the other, you simply look off to the side only to turn your gaze back to the Wal-Mart when you realize: _"Shit. My equally (if not MORE so) traumatized boyfriends to my right."_

An awkward silence almost falls, but good old Lalonde saved the day of course.

"Strider, if I am correct didn't John 'convince' you until the wee hours of the morning yesterday?" your sister says, eyes never leaving her cellphone. "Do keep it down next time, the walls in that horrid shack of an apartment the four of us share are rather thin."

Your eye twitches. Did Lalonde count as a girl? Could you punch her? You faintly consider this, but you quickly shoot this thought down. Roxy, Bro, AND Kanaya would kick your ass if you went through with it. Plus Lalonde would gouge your eyes out with those nifty sewing needles of hers.

It wasn't worth it.

"And… you are officially all assholes. Get the hell away from me. You are no longer my friends." You say candy-red eyes glaring holes into Lalonde's behind shades.

She narrows her own purple eyes and smirks. "If I have to participate in this act of idiocy, so do you." You almost snarl – _almost_. That would be loosing your cool. Striders don't loose their cool.

"So you do admit this is stupid."

"Of course. This is really, _truly_, the stupidest act of human activity that we will most likely ever attempt – this week, maybe this month at the most." She adds on hastily.

Bro sets a hand on your shoulder, effectively making you cringe, "Yeah, this is stupid. But that's what makes it ironic."

…

Did you mention how much you hate these people?

"… So when are Jake and Jane showing their bucktoothed faces?" You get three slaps upside the head for that one. It was still worth it.

Still glaring slightly, your Bro answers, "They're waiting for us inside." He then gives you a Strider smirk, "So Lil' Man, are you ready to raise hell in this Wal-Mart?"

You allow yourself an inward groan, "There's no getting out of this right?"

"Not a chance in hell."

"Then bring it on. Lets get kicked out of Wal-Mart."

* * *

_**A/N: Something that isn't Hetalia…? LE GASP! THE HUMANITY!**_

_***ahem* So yeah, I made my first Homestuck fanfic… Somebody shoot me… please…. Anyway, something to celebrate my graduating from middle school just last night and to kick off my summer =). Anyway, did I characterize everyone correctly :/… I… I'm really not all that sure… I just finished reading Homestuck and a bunch of character pages on the wiki site about a week or so ago… So I'm not really all that sure (by the way, that Jane/Jake/Dirk/Aranea thingy going on right now is friggin' gold lolz… XD…) Anyway, this is post!Game and the kids are… meh, sixteen-seventeen… Anyway, just for the hell of it, John is dating Dave, Jake is dating Dirk, Rose is (long distance wise) dating Kanaya, and Jade and Jane are our pretty little peacemakers =D. Well… not really… cause Jane and Dirk would still have that tension over Jake going on and IGUKADNFWOJNJANHCBVW! I'm trying not to think guys but FhjBBIWDUNCNJJDCNK anyway, I'll be uploading the other chapter later on today since its nearly done…**_

_**But seriously, why has nobody done this yet? Should I add in the trolls for kicks?**_

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_**Do review and tell me this doesn't such as bad as I think it is… **_


	2. DAVE: Commit a stupid act

_**DISCLAIMER: ... HUM... NOPE STILL DON'T OWN HOMESTUCK OR WAL-MART FOR THAT MATTER.**_

* * *

_== Dave: Commit one of the stupidest acts of human activity know to man_

* * *

You meet Jake and Jane at the front of the Wal-Mart – just in front of the residential Subway.

"Strider! There you all are, we've been waiting an awful long while." You roll your eyes as Bro nods to Jake slightly as the islander wraps a tanned arm over his shoulders. You can tell your Bro is flustered. No one else but you and Jake can tell but by Strider standards he's extremely flustered.

Jegus. Out of all the people in the universe, it just had to be English – who also happens to be related ecto-biologically to Egbert… And that is sort of fucked up in your eyes, since that may or may not make your tastes in dudes somewhat similar; if not the same.

It would be so sickeningly ironic yet so very _disturbing_ on so many levels, you could hardly count.

But you shalln't dwell on this fact, for now, you've got shit to fuck up.

"… Mother." And hello Ms. Roxy Lalonde you smirk as Rose's lips purse into a thin white line. She hesitates to give an icy smile. Old habits must die-hard; you'd think the whole passive-aggressive thing would die after the Game but you suppose not.

"Roxy! Hello, I thought you weren't coming…" Jane says with a friendly smile.

"And you aren't drunk." Bro adds on with that calculating under tone in his voice that appears when he wants to be a nosy asshole.

"Who said I wasn't drunk? I'm just not smashed." She states with a thin smirk. "Besides, they wouldn't let me in with my wine."

Rose face palms.

You smirk.

Somewhere in heaven or hell, (or wherever the hell dead people go since Christianity obviously isn't the correct religion and your universe is run by six year-old alien trolls apparently)… the Batterwitch laughs.

"So, what's first on the list John?" says Harley with an excited smile, "By what I hear it sounds like a lot of fun!"

Your boyfriend flips open his cellphone and pulls up the webpage. "_1. Take someone's shopping cart and switch the items with stuff from the person next to theirs cart._"

Everyone stares at you.

You flick everyone off.

"No. Just no. Fuck you. Fuck this shit. Make Bro do it." you say looking off to the side. Why did it have to be you? Wait. Don't you dare answer that question. So what if you could do this without anyone noticing with your Timey… Thing… Bro could do it just as easily with his flashstep.

Still they all stare at you.

You decide to do the Timey Thing.

As you slow down time, and walk to the closest checkout your apple phone buzzes.

_- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -_

GC: H3Y COOL K1D H3H3H3H3! :D

TG: terezi

TG: hey what the hell do you want?

GC: JUST COMM3NT1NG ON THE D3L1S1OUS D1SPLAY 1 4M 4BOUT TO T4ST3 W1TH MY V3RY OWN S3NS3S

GC: 3V3RYON3 1S WOND3RING WH4T TH3 J3GUS YOU3R 4LL DO1NG BY TH3 W4Y

GC: 1 M34N NON3 OF YOU H4V3 P3ST3R3D 4NY OF US IN 4 F3W D4YS

GC: W3 W3R3 G3TT1ING R4TH3R BOR3D

GC: V1RSK4S P1SSY L4T3LY M4YB3 SH3 1S ON

GC: JOHNW1THDR4W

GC: H3H3H3H3H3

Wow, everyone is being such jackasses today.

TG: oh gog

TG: fuck you terezi

TG: just

TG: go smell a dead rat

TG: or some shit

GC: H3H3H3H3

GC: W3 4R3 W4TCH1NG YOU COOL K1D

GC: H4V3 FUN =]

GC: M4YB3

GC: SOM3 OF US M4Y T3L3PORT 1N NOW 4ND TH3N

GC: TO OFF3R OUR S3RV1C3S

TG: jegus

TG: dont just

TG: do us all a favor and dont

TG: youre all going to just make shit more complicated

GC: BY3 S33 YOU 4ROUND D4VE =]

TG: oh for fucks sake

_- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -_

…

You decide you hate Terezi.

However none the less you head over to two poor saps' shopping carts and swiftly switch their things over – as luck would have it one was some sleazy old dude with a shit load of porno magazines and the other was a nun.

A nun.

Need you say anymore?

Anyway, you switch the magazines and the various holy items over and walk back over to your 'friends' to watch the magic happen.

You speed up time.

There is a girly-horror-movie scream as the nun picks up one of the kinky magazines to set on the conveyer belt.

Then – the man behind her drops to his knees proclaiming the phenomenon a sign from God.

Your work here is done.

A whistle comes from behind you, "Whoa, that was kind of cruel mate."

"Not cruel. You haven't even seen cruel. Ironic." States your Bro with a shrug.

Rose eyes you for a while, "Strider…"

"No Lalonde, I will _not _let you analyze this incident as a research study for your 'tentacle therapy'. I am never laying on that damn couch again."

…

Whose eyes have been drilling holes into the back of your head for the past three minutes?

You turn around to meet a beaming Egderp.

"… What?"

"I'm just really glad."

Looks like your boyfriend was in one of _those _moods again. Shit. "About?"

"You look happy."

Good Gog… could you get anymore sappy? And no. No you did not have a hoard of carnivorous butterflies threatening to burst out of your stomach like some Alien bullshit – what are you all talking about?

Despite yourself, you give him a nod and keep on walking, he quickens his pace to match yours. The beam is still stuck on his face as he looks up at you brightly; you stare back, eyes softening behind your shades.

"Lil' man, I'd love to watch both of your hearts go _doki doki_ and be all _kawaii _all day, but we've got shit to wreak."

"Yes Dave, I would prefer not to watch you and John have sloppy makeouts with your eyes."

Oh yeah. These people were here.

Reluctantly you tear your eyes (well… shades…) from John's and give a nod to the group. "Yeah, Yeah… so what's next?

This time it's Harley to seal your fates, "_2. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment._"

Dear Gog today was going to be a long day.

* * *

_**A/N: Don't worry this isn't going to be 333 chapters, I'll probably start combining more numbers into a chapter later on. But anyway, yes another chapter. Do not expect this too often though… I'm sorta lazy so you guys might have to kick me once in a while ^ ^"… Anyway, do tell me what you think =) Like it? Hate it? Should it be completely wiped from the Internet…? Give me some feedback =3.**_

_**And dear lord I'm terrible at being Terezi. My Terezi needs to go die in a hole… *sobs* I didn't do the original one justice…**_

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_**Review… REVIEW… THERE ARE AT LEAST 100+ OF YOU ABOUT NOW **__**REVIEW**__**.**_


	3. DAVE: Watch your friends

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Homestuck. Only Hussie can own Homestuck. If I owned Homestuck, I would ruin it.**_

* * *

_== DAVE: Watch your friends c__ommit some of the stupidest acts of human activity know to man_

* * *

You watch as John skips over to a random woman, she's decently average, middle aged judging by the wrinkles forming – looks rather desperate for male companionship.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in _so _long!" he gushes, you believe your boyfriend is a rather good actor (excuse you _liar_) considering his rather oblivious nature… "How have you been? ...Hey, don't you remember me? It's me! It's John Egbert a son of your coworker…"

You and your… self-proclaimed friends… watch from behind a corner a few feet away, you will admit it is rather fun watching the woman sweat then attempt to play along. Hey, who wouldn't? "O-Oh! John, hello… Its nice to see you again…" she laughs nervously. "I-I've been well…"

John smiles brightly, "You should keep in touch! My dads been missing you, you know, since he's divorced and all…"

"W-What? Divorced?"

"Yeah, don't you remember? He wanted to take you out to dinner, but you never called so…"

"O-Oh really? It was um, Egbert was it?" John gave an affirmative nod.

"Well I'll be seeing you around!" with that he walk away a hopelessly giddy middle aged and unmarried woman in his wake. You supposed you should have felt sorry for her but in all honesty, you really couldn't give two shits.

"Nice one John!" Wow, _Harley_? She's the last person you'd expect to be amused by this…

He simply grins cheekily and returns to the wall with the rest of your mix-matched little crew made up of twenty-seven year-olds and teenagers. "Thanks Jade, I'll try to do you and Jane proud!"

"What's next on the list Jade?" Rose says glancing down at Harley's cellphone.

"Uh… Oh. Something we can do fairly quickly. "_3. Smash the person in front of you on the head with a ham."_ So, who wants to do this? … Rose?"

"No thank you Jade. I would rather not…"

Roxy shrugged and smirked slightly, "I'll do it~. I haven't had some fun in a while." Her three friends gave her odd looks. "You're the ones who keep saying I need to slow down. Besides, good old Rosy over here has my hands tied with all the attention she needs…" You watch Rose's eye give a twitch as she narrows her eyes at her mother.

"On second thought. I will do it." She states stepping forward with a thin smile. "I wouldn't want my mother dearest getting arrested now would I?"

Roxy smiles down at her brightly and gives her a soft pat on the head, "Oh, how _thoughtful _of you dear. You are such a wonderful daughter."

"I know."

You could swear sparks were flying.

"Here Rose!" Says John with a grin and… holds out a finely wrapped Christmas Ham… huh… when did he have time to go and get _that_…?

Briefly, your ecto-sister tears her eyes away from her mother to raise an eyebrow. "Where in the world did you get that?"

"The… meat section…?" John states, raising a confused eyebrow.

"No John, I mean when did you have the _time _to get that."

"A few minutes ago when you and your mom were 'passively' ripping each other's throats out."

"Ah."

She accepts the ham and looks forward – theirs a… muscle man walking past you. Shit. The universe is going to force you to have to offer isn't it? Well _shit_… fucking genetics; who decided you had to care about your blood relatives in the first place?

"La…" before you can finish the word, sure enough a ham smashes into the back of the dude's head. He looks momentarily startled then straights back up to turn around angrily.

"Who the…"

Jakes smiles, from where you are standing you can see he is hiding the ham behind his back (so it _was_ him… ever the gentleman you suppose) "Good morning

kind sir, I hope you are doing well."

"You… did you just punch me…?" he ground out.

"Hum? Oh no, no, why would I ever do that?"

"…"

"…"

They glare each other down. Finally the muscle man groans and turns away, "Seriously… what the fuck… am I losing it…? I think I'm losing it…" he mutters walking away. You believe he must be 'losing it' if he's talking to himself.

"Thank you English."

"That is quite alright, Rose."

Harley looks down at her cellphone yet again, "Alright… next is… uh…" her eyes suddenly focus on something in her line on vision as she drops her phone and runs off… somewhere.

Everyone's eyes follow her as she nearly tackles some old dude to the ground; "GRANDPA HARLEY!" to his credit the old man looks blissfully, blissfully confused, "YOU'RE ALIVE! YOU'RE ALIVE! You'll be so much easier to deal with now! Of Grandpa it's been such a long time… but… weren't you, like, dead…? Oh well… ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU'RE ALIVE!"

You honestly can't tell if Harley is acting or not… really, she looks just so… _happy_ and now that you think about it the old man bears a striking resemblance to that creepy stuffed… person-thing… that you and your friends are forced to keep in your living room due to a certain 'family tradition'.

Rose picks up the phone and reads the next number on the list, "_4. Go up to some old geezer & say "Grandpa! You're ALIVE! It's a MIRACLE! etc._ I think she's doing the command correctly but… I can't really tell if she's serious or…"

Harley trudges back looking glum, "It turns out that old man wasn't my grandpa…" she said with a sigh, "And I thought Gamzee had given me one of his miracles too…"

You are pretty sure that everyone's (but your's and Bro's of course, you were both far to cool for that kind of bullshit) eyebrows shot up to their hairlines at that.

"You mean…"

"… You _weren't _acting out this number…?"

Jade simply gives a curious blink. "Number? What number?"

"…"

There is a very long silence after that.

You decide it would be best to move on.

"So…" you pull up the list on your phone this time, "The next two things on the list are… _5. Take something from someone else's cart, when they say "hey, that's mine! " call the security and say that the other ... person was trying to take your _ _and_ 6. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas._"

"Why not do six first? This seems like the easiest option…" Rose states with a shrug. "I believe it is that time of the week that they mop the floors – lucky for us I suppose."

"Why don't we split up to cover more ground… this _is_ one of those bigger Wal-Marts after all…" Jane suggests.

With that everyone splits into groups of twos.

"We'll meet back at the front of the store when we cover over respective wings." Calls Jane having opted to team up with Roxy in the East Wing.

Rose and Jade head off to West.

Bro and Jake take their leave to the South – no pun intended.

And of course, you end up with Egbert.

You briefly wonder if this was going to be as lame as you thought it would be.

* * *

_**A/N: Ah… What a sucky chapter. Lets burn it with fire =D!**_

**_But just so you all know... yeah... me and my friends actually DID do number two lol... what you see above is our experience... Anyway, not much to say here. Expect to answer a question an anon brought to my attention, yes, yes the trolls ARE still trolls. And if one were to teleport in to help out one would assume them to be wearing an odd costume of sorts. _****_I mean... really... who wouldn't jump to this conclusion when placed in the situation with out proof lol? We'd all stare but... yeah._**

**_... Slightly awkward explanation over =3! _**

**_And to my fellow HetaStuckers reading this~ yes, yes I am still working on WITLI, the next chapter should be out within the next week. Homestuckers. Ignore this._**

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**_._**

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**_Review and I might keep up these quick updates._**


	4. DAVE: Show disappointment

_**DISCLAIMER: ... I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY OWN COMPUTER WHEN HOMESTUCK WAS MADE... WHAT IN THE WORLD MAKES YOU THINK I OWN IT?**  
_

* * *

_== DAVE: Show disappointment in the race you died hundreds of times to save_

* * *

"Hey Dave."

"What?"

"… Why did we revive the human race again…?"

You open your mouth attempting an ironic answer, but… as you look at the _sheer stupidity _of the scene before you… you feel you cannot give Egbert an answer and settle on closing it.

Instead, you shrug.

He laughs awkwardly, "I… I honestly can't come up with an answer either."

…

Did that little shit just read your mind? You believe your boyfriend is telepathic…

"For this scene… I… I honestly have no words." The said stupid scene you and Egbert are currently looking upon you ask?

Your name is Dave Strider and you are face palming at a DOG PILE OF WAL-MART SHOPPERS. Did you stutter?

You don't believe you did.

You also didn't think there were people out there that would actually do this shit. But apparently you had overestimated the human race. You don't even blink when yet another shopper, slips and slides on the wet floor and adds more mass to the steadily growing pile.

After moving all of the wet floor signs to various carpeted areas in the North Wing, you and Edgbert began walking back to the entrance, then, you and your boyfriend noticed a certain pattern in a certain meat isle…

Then… it grew.

And grew…

And grew…

Then, security came.

You both decide it would be best to ABSCOND.

* * *

"Really? This happened in _your_ wing too?"

"You got it, Harley." You say taking a seat in the furniture the eight of you were all hiding out in. "And what's up with Roxy and Jane, they both seem a bit out of breath."

"We aren't as young as we used to be Davey." Says Roxy with a wink as she sits down in a lawn chair across from you.

You raise an eyebrow, that was a new one, "One, stick with sexy. My name ain't Davey – "

"_Davey_, I believe the word you are looking for may be _'isn't' _am I right?" Lalonde states with her usual pursed lips as she looks up from her book, "Your Texan is showing Dave."

You stand, "You askin' – _asking_," what was wrong with you today? Your façade was usually unbreakable Egbert must have been influencing you with all of his consoned – no, no, no, _goddamned _that would have sounded way too southern, "for a strife Lalonde?"

"I wouldn't mind one." She stands as well, pursed lips smirking tightly.

When you are about to reply someone grabs you by the collar and lifts you a couple feet off the ground (the fuck, you're seventeen years-old). You inwardly grimace. This grip… there was no other person, Bro.

"You're losing your cool Lil' man." He states as you tilt your head back to look at him. "Cool your tits."

You nod and he sets you down. You mutter something about Bro's puppets and how when you get the chance you'd burn them.

"What was that Lil' man?

"Nothin'."

"You mean _'nothing'_."

"Fuck you."

You look over to Lalonde and smirk. She gets a similar (passive-aggressive of course) lecture from Roxy.

Life. Is. Sweet.

"Dirk, I'll do number five I suppose." Jegus, did English have to inform your Bro of everything? …

This feeling…

Oh _fuck no_…

No, no, no, no, no… You are not jealous of your Bro's weird-ass boyfriend man-grittier-version-of-Egderp. No. This is too ironic to comprehend; even for _you_. You grind the backs of your teeth in a feudal attempt to erase these thoughts; a hand rests itself on your shoulder. Oh.

It's John. He gives you a bright grin.

You relax and quote unquote "chill your tits".

English walks over to a cart and takes a hefty pumpkin (… aren't those out of season?) from some fat lady's cart. She looks extremely baffled, "What the –" He draws in a breath.

"SECURITY!" holy – and you thought gentlemen weren't supposed to raise their voices more than two octaves….

A nearby wannabe-policeman hustles over to the scene, fat belly bouncing in rhythm with his steps. "Sir…" wheeze. "what…" fucking wheeze."… seems…" _mOtHeRfUcKiNg _wheeze."… to be the… problem…?"

… You decide Wal-Mart needs better security.

"This kind madam was trying to steal my pumpkin!" ever the English gentleman you suppose.

Anyway, the argument over the pumpkin lasts for a solid twenty minutes (_damn _fat lady must really love pumpkins…) and the incompetent security guard just sits watches like an idiot.

Eventually, everyone realizes that English is _actually_ fighting for that strangely out of season pumpkin now… that you don't understand of course, but by the looks of it neither do Jade, John, or Rose so at least you aren't alone. The other three…? They seem rather annoyingly used to it.

Another ten minutes pass before you watch your Bro flash step over to the scene, throw English over his shoulder with ease, grab the pumpkin and flashstep back – all in a span of a tenth of a second.

…

What? What in the world would you expect? He's _Bro_. Simple as that.

Anyway, while English was sitting contently on a couch snuggle up with your Bro – do you have to keep on repeating how fucking _weird_ this is to you? – Lalonde reads the next quest on the list.

"_7. Hide in the center of the clothes circle where people find shirts, and jump out and yell "!_"… not it."

"Not it." Your Bro swiftly adds and you follow soon after.

"Not it." Says Jane.

"Not it." Roxy sips a bit of her… tequila…? The fuck? When'd she go and get that?

This leaves Jade, John, and English. You briefly feel sorry for your boyfriend but shrug it off. This was Egderp. The self-proclaimed "Prank Master", he'd be fine.

Your apple phone goes off yet again and you flip it open to a certain pesterlog… Who the…

…

…

Oh God damn it…

_- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] - _

CG: HUMAN. ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.

CG: NO USE PRETENDING.

CG: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME I CAN SEE YOU FOR FUCKS SAKE

CG: DAVE

TG: the fuck do you want

TG: jegus

TG: dont you all have some

TG: sort of wet troll bullshit dream

TG: for john?

TG: go pester john

TG: wait

TG: ignore that completely erase that from your head

TG: i would really prefer you not to have

TG: sloppy makeouts with my boyfriend

CG: PLEASE, I NO LONGER HOLD INTEREST IN YOUR MATESPRIT HUMAN. I HAVE MY OWN.

TG: oh yeah

TG: you have that whole love triangle

TG: tv drama bullshit going on

TG: with terezi and gamzee (what the hell do you see in gamzee?)

CG: SHUT UP. JUST SHUT THE *FUCK* UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN LIFE AND LISTEN TO YOUR GOD. ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? IT IS YOU SHUTTING THE FUCK UP DAVE STRIDER.

TG: … so which one is the one youre going to be having sloppy makeouts with from now on?

CG: GOG DAMNIT STRIDER. WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP? FUCK, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW YES. GAMZEE AND TEREZI ARE BOTH FLUSHING FOR ME AND I'M CONFUSED AS FUCK. HAPPY? SATISFYED? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. LETS MOVE ON.

Fucking with KK never gets old, not even when you were stuck on an asteroid with him for nearly three years. It's still fun.

TG: so this begs the question

TG: what the fuck

TG: do you want?

CG: JUST TELLING YOU THAT TEREZI MIGHT BE TELEPORTING IN VIA TRANSPORTER. I CAN'T SPEAK FOR THE OTHERS EITHER I MEAN, FUCK. NEPUTA IS BECOMING DIFFICULT TO RESTRAIN WITH HER LOVE FOR ROLEPLAYING AND GAMES AND ALL THAT SHIT. SO JUST DON'T BE SURPRISED IF SOME OF US POP IN SOMETIME SOON. TELL THE OTHERS AS WELL.

TG: yeah yeah got it

CG: GOODBYE HUMAN.

TG: see you around kk

_- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -_

* * *

_**A/N: Sorry this is up kind of late lol… My parents threw me an 8**__**th**__** grade graduation party =3. With cupcakes… yummy homemade gourmet cupcakes… yum…**_

_***ahem* Anyway your goddess was distracted~. **_

_**But I hope you liked the chapter anyway =3.**_


	5. DAVE: Accept this new challenge

_**DISCLAIMER: Nope. Still don't own Homestuck.**_

* * *

_== DAVE: Accept this new challenge_

* * *

Jegus.

You… you honestly can't comprehend what the fuck you are watching at this very moment. Your boyfriend, English and Harley… basically dressed up like war movie wannabes, yeah, makeup, army clothes, black marks under the eyes and all.

Screaming like maniacs. Scaring the fuck out of old people. In the ugly-out-of-season-cheap-for-sale-section.

…

…

Huh.

Sounds about right.

Gog… why are you here again? Oh yeah, your derpy boyfriend seduced you. Of course.

Anyway this had been going on for a good ten-fifteen minutes or so… You were growing quite bored around now… You wandered why no one had called security yet –

"HEY! HEY YOU KIDS OVER THERE!"

You watch as the trio bolt out of their respective clothes circles, grinning like manics, before racing off in opposite directions to escape security. And you… you honestly can't believe you befriended these people… there was something _wrong _with you when you befriended them over pesterchum….

_THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. __**HORRIBLY**__. YET. IRONICALLY. __**WRONG**__. WITH. YOU._

By the way Rose is face-palming beside you, she must be having a similar thought process. "You still think this was a good idea Lalonde?" you ask plainly.

"No. When did I ever say it was?"

"Point taken."

There is a silence amongst the both of you as your… 'Guardians'… have some good old-fashioned-best-friend-bickering a few feet away.

"Strider."

"Yeah?"

"Why don't we make a bet of sorts?"

"The stakes?" you say with a smirk.

"You win, I'll pay for your apple juice expenses for the rest of the summer, our senior year, AND college – my PHD years included."

You whistle. "You're diggin' your self a grave lil' sis. You sure you can dish out what your offering?" seriously, you go through a good two or three gallons of apple juice a _day_, this bet is a bit out of Lalonde's league.

She smirks right back, "Of course I can, remember who you're talking to Dave Strider."

"Oh really? This is just too good to be true, what hell fire will come down upon me if _you_ win?"

"I am allowed to enlist as your personal shrink. Legally AND personally. For _life_." Piercing purple eyes burn calculatingly into yours for a long time.

You take the time to think this shit over.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life under the scrutiny of Lalonde? Never getting a moment to yourself, having to have her analyze all of your feelings AND have herself backed by the legal system…?

Or free apple juice for a decade?

…

You decide to ask what the bet is before being hasty…

"Its very simple really, in the midst of this challenge, we will see which one of us will be kicked out of Wal-Mart the most. Whoever loses gets to dish up on their end of the bargain. So Strider…" she says holding out a hand, "deal?"

"You know it." You take the extended hand and shake on it, wondering what you had just gotten yourself into.

Luckily, before you can dwell on this decision further, Egbert and his ecto-siblings come bounding back over to your group with proud grins on their now clean faces.

"You all did so well!" Said Jane with a smile, "What an elaborate act of pranking shenanigans!" … Huh… must be an Egbert-Croker-Harley-English-fuck-it-they're-all-related-anyway-thing…

Then, the four chat for a while just sort of… trading pranking techniques…? You aren't very sure; you tuned them out after the first two or so sentences.

Finally Rose cuts in to ask John what is next on the list, "Oh, lets see… _8. Go into the dressing room, wait a few minutes, then yell "THERES NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"_ That sounds fun! Why don't you try it Dave?"

"I refuse. I am a Strider. Striders are emotionally obligated to have two voice octaves. This one I'm speaking in here and dishing out sick rhymes and beats. Shouting is not the Strider way. Translation? All of you fuck off."

Everyone turns to your Bro, who crosses his arms and points a thumb your way, "Didn't you hear Lil' man? It's not the Strider way."

"Oh come off it Dirk!" Roxy grins, slapping your Bro on the back… you can't believe you still aren't used to this whole 'all of your guardians are BFFs' thing… "Lighten up will you? Damn you raised a real fucked up kid."

"Really? And like Rose turned out any better."

"I'm a wonderful mother!" Roxy says with a smirk, downing her tequila.

"… How in the world was _she _cloned from _you _anyway?"

"Ecto-biology my sexy Strider."

"Maybe she gets her highlighting traits from me?"

Roxy sticks her tongue out at Bro, "And her absolutely gorgeous looks of course come from me."

"So by that logic, Dave gets his stupid from you?"

"I'm not stupid, I'm just extremely intoxicated. Besides, at least I can keep my wits and composure about me when I'm drunk."

"It scares me to think that you can say all of this with a straight face."

You cannot believe they are having this conversation in front of you.

You cannot believe you are _listening _to them have this conversation in front of you.

John gives your shoulder a reassuring pat. This only succeeds in making you wish for a swifter death sentence. "Lalonde, you know what, fuck it. I want to get kicked out of here as quickly as possible."

"Agreed." She replies immediately.

"So I'll just do the damned challenge." Everyone stops.

"You will?" John asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Sure, why the hell not?" you mutter, heading off to the male dressing rooms.

When you arrive, a pierced up emo part-timer looks up at you with a questioning look, as you hold no clothes in your arms like the previous others before you. You boldly walk into dressing room four and wait a couple minutes – just reflecting on how much your life _BLOWS_.

"THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE." You say loudly cupping your hands around your mouth to make the sound travel. A few more minutes pass before you walk out with your hands in your pockets. The emo kid's eyes are wide as saucers as he watches you go.

"It's alright. I found some." You state for good measure. Then, you stop and look back, remembering something awesome. "Oh, and I almost forgot." You take a mint candy from your back pocket and toss it in his general direction (hey, he catches it at least…)

"Cheer up emo kid."

* * *

_**A/N: Bring on the flames for that one liner. I eat them for breakfast. 3BD**_


	6. DAVE: Resist the kicked puppy eyes

_**DISCLAIMER: I-I'm TOO AWESOME to own Homestuck! Y-Yeah, totally tots awesome… *sobs in emo corner***_

* * *

_== DAVE: Resist the kicked puppy eyes_

* * *

"_9. Get a batman costume, put it on, and run around the store screaming at the top of your lungs, "COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!" _… No way, man I am not doing this shit. Fuck you. Fuck America. And fuck Marvel. I refuse to do this shit, especially with my Bro. Fuck that shit."

"DAAAAVVVVEEEEEE…"

"No."

"But –"

"So help me Egderp, domestic violence laws be damned, I will bitch slap you with my ring finger; get that piece of shit robin costume away from me."

"… First of all, you don't even _wear _rings Dave, and we aren't even married."

_Yet._

But you opt not to voice this thought aloud. "No. Do it with English, you two would make more sense."

Egbert pouts, taking on that kicked puppy look of his before nodding and heading off to the boys restroom, "… Alright if you're sure Dave…" dear Gog you wish he'd stop looking at you like that.

"Yeah, yeah…" you give your Bro a long look as he stares after an equally downtrodden English. You attempt to send a: _Don't even think about it_,vibe. His soft spot for English is _not _going to be your downfall damn it. You have to _live _in this city (well… not anymore, you live with John, Jade, and Rose in Washington now…but). You still have a reputation to uphold.

Thankfully, your Bro seems to come to the same conclusion and looks off to the side nonchalantly. One of the many reasons you hate the game was that the game was what had pushed your Bro and English together in matrimony. (Pffft… what, what's with that look? Did you fucking stutter? Nope, honest to Gog truth up in here, these two are officially engaged, going to tie the knot in Vegas in a few months as a matter of fact.)

"Hey Dave, how do I look?" you nearly jump as you glance up to see Egbert.

_Right. In. Your. Face. _

Nice.

"How do you look in what…" you trail off. The sight of Egderp in candy red tights with an equally tight Robin costume… you may never get this chance again so you burn the image into your brain to study in detail later. Preferably at a private time. A _happy _time.

Ahem.

Moving right along…

You look over to see your Bro slamming his head into a nearby pillar with a worried English and Jane attempting (and failing) to hold him back. Roxy giggles like a manic as she holds her stomach in laughter.

You crack a smile yourself, "Not so cool now Bro."

Suddenly a hand is set on your shoulder, a chill over takes you as you turn to see…

_HOLY MARY-JEGUS-JOSHEPH TAPPDANCING MoThErFuCkInG CHRIST – oifghadicm__**L**__msafumsdhfu__**I**__jdifgamsduhxfiu__**L**__aixmhdao8izkosk__**C**__oihmxsuioKZ__**A**__iuxhuioajzzkzioadj__**L**__iozsidoplasdiojkx_

You inwardly scream your head off at the puppet's offending face, the only indication of your freak out being the rapid twitching of your right eye behind your shades. Your head whips around to your Bro, who is being consoled (…ish-ed…) by Roxy into stopping his whole "heading pillar" quest – yep you're still not used to the fact that your Bro and Lalonde's mom are human equivalents to moirails… In fact, you're pretty sure you never will. But the dick is staring RIGHT THE FUCK at you, how do you know this? It's simple really, years of living with the bastard births a well-polished veteran.

You then proceed flip him the bird.

"Alright! Are you ready to do this mate?"

"As I'll ever be!" John replies with a grin.

With that exchange they're off… swooshing their capes and screaming heroics at the tops of their lungs.

"COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!" yells English as they both run straight through the front of the store, past the likely dumbfounded security, and around the entirety of Wal-Mart.

Something of your best interest occurs to you in this moment as they run past your group again. You resourcefully take out your phone from your back pocket and begin recording.

… Stop that glaring right now; wouldn't you people do the same in this situation?

Indeed, revenge would be so sweet. Just like your boyfriend's, sweet, sweet, candy red ass.

* * *

"Lalonde, I believe this is your call." You say with a smug smirk.

Her mouth twitches a bit as she regards you coolly, "Of course Strider, as you would say… 'Bring it on'."

"_11. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"_"

You had all already gone about number ten – _Hide between clothing and then jump out and yell "PICK ME"_ – which Harley readily accepted and of course various shenanigans and another run in with security followed this.

Long story short, Harley was most likely waiting outside in the car brooding right about now. Shit. How'd she get kicked out before you?

But moving right along… you found it high time you watched Rose make a fool out of herself.

You and the remainder of your friends watch from afar as Rose skims through the young adults' section, specifically near the front desk. Sure enough, one of the employees stride up to her with a plastic grin on her face.

"Excuse me Miss, but would you happen to need some help?" even her _voice _sounds fake.

Rose sighs and draws in a breath, looking like she was heading off to the gallows, "Why… please, tell me why…?" damn, her voice even cracked on that note, impressive, "Why won't you people just _leave me alone_?" she fell to her knees in a sobbing mess as the employee looked on, horrified. Looking left and right (most likely hoping the manager wasn't around).

"U-Uh… um…"

Rose then stands up. Brushes herself off. And walks back over to where your group is watching.

Like a BOSS.

"Convincing." You say with a whistle, "Kanaya must be having every troll's wet dream right about now."

"Mother is a useful specimen to behold when she's gone past her 'limit'." You notice Lalonde disregards the comment, you should probably think up some new material soon.

"I see, so she's a sad drunk once she goes past the twelfth tequila mark?"

"Now you're getting it Strider."

Your Bro flips open his phone, and English looks over his shoulder then grins, "This one sounds fun!"

"What is it…?" Jane asks, curiously raising an eyebrow.

"Ahem… _12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men._"

Well that sounds like a significantly pointless and ironic way to waste your time.

…

Oh well, you're stuck here so you might as well help out.

* * *

_**A/N: … O . o… I… I just spent an hour or so in the Naruto and Shugo Chara sections… NEVER AGAIN. BACK TO HOMESTUCK AND HETALIA, QUICKLY, QUICKLY THESE CATEGORIES OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE BEST FANFICS. So many OCs… horrible OCs… so may WEEOBOOS… No, not in the good way… the horrible way… the EVIL way… *shivers* WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE USE FUCKING SPELLCHECK? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME! *has a mini freak out***_

_**It saddens me that such great animes have such SUCKY fanfic writers (including myself, but at least **__**I **__**have the decency to check over my crap!) But, its always good to think "Hey, at least my writing's above THAT person. That's about three years older than me." No matter how conceited it may seem we all think it.**_

_**Oh, and in case you all haven't figured it out already... sexual innuendo is sorta my stick. :/ it... totally isn't my fault, it just, enters my fanfics without me noticing. 0_0 Expect a shitload. Again, just a fair warning to those dudes that clicked this FULL WELL knowing there was (minor pffft) pespicola in the summary. FOR SHAME.**_

_**Anyway time to answer a question to a particular anon!**_

_**anonomyusFictionist: **__**It depends lol… My Hetalia alerters probably don't want more Homestuck in their inbox O . o… But I may start to write one if enough people request it =). **_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**Review and tell me that this chapter wasn't too boring. =)**_


	7. S Be the other Strider

_**DISCLAIMER: Hum? Uh, let me check... nope still don't own Homestuck. (( AND I RECOMMEND READING THIS CHAPTER WITH GREEN DAY WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS - DOOO EEEEETTTTT...**_

* * *

_== Be the other Strider_

* * *

You cannot be the other Strider because the other Strider is currently in a Wal-Mart supply closet having sloppy-makeouts with his fiancé. And the authoress wants to be merciful to her male audience.

* * *

_== Go back to being Dave_

* * *

You cannot be Dave either because Dave is on strike for this chapter.

* * *

_== Be the pissed off island girl outside of the Wal-Mart_

* * *

You let out a string of grumbles and rather silly profanities as you sit on the bench outside of a certain Wal-Mart. You check your watch.

It is exactly 1:30 pm.

You pout. This would take far too long; you needed something to busy yourself with. Like... like getting past these persistent security cameras and back to your friends (who were surely up to various fun shenanigans without you there!)

An idea pops into your headstand and head through the doors casually, if this didn't work you could always kick security's asses – however, this was a final last ditch effort. For you would _never _resort to needless violence!

… Today.

You were in a good mood today.

But even that wouldn't last long if you were forced to endure this level of boredom for more than a second longer. With that in mind you begin to chew a rather large wad of chewing gum. Taking a rubber band off of your wrist (this is Texas in the summer after all, you would be crazy to go without being armed with a proper hair tie! ESPECIALLY with long, messy hair such as yours) you begin to stretch it out as you feel the gum is of correct amount of stickiness.

You take the gum from your mouth and position yourself in the entrance security camera's blind spot. Setting the gum in path of the rubber band you proceed to aim and fire.

The wad of gum hits its mark straight on and the lenses are properly hidden from immediate sight.

People stare as you do a little victory dance before skipping off to the furniture isle, the unspoken meeting place your friends had decided on.

"Jade!"

"Hey Harley, weren't you like kicked out or some shit?"

You smile brightly as John and Jane coddle you on the couch, "I snuck back in of course! I couldn't let you guys have fun without me!"

"I see… how may I ask did you sneak back in?" Rose asks putting a inquisitive hand under her chin.

"Easy! I just covered the security camera with gum." You state proudly, "Security doesn't even know I'm back."

"Well iz good ta have you back Jadey." Says Rose's mom with a fox's grin, you smile wickedly right back.

"It's great to be back." You look around curiously, noticing a significant lack of arms coddling you. "Say, where's Jake… and Bro?"

Dave looks around, "… Now that you mention it, I haven't seen either of them since we all split to avoid security when they found us building a GI Joe vs. X-Men battlefield in the toy isle. " You frown, you must have missed some fun and interesting shenanigans…

John shrugs, "They'll probably show up I'm sure."

"Yeah, I guess."

There is a long stretched silence as they stare at one and other. The sexual frustration between your two friends (is that the word for it? That's what Rose calls these moments…) in the air suffocates you.

"Um… so what did I miss?" you ask, breaking the ice.

"We did numbers eleven, twelve, and we just finished thirteen." Answers Rose, ever the helpful friend she is – you are so lucky to have such wonderful friends!

"What was number thirteen?"

"Similar to the one that got you kicked out, _'__Hide in a clothes circle. When someone with a shopping cart goes by stick your hand out and steal something from them.' _Jane did this one, she had a lot of fun with this, it took fifteen frightened shoppers for security to be called."

"Awwww…." You whine. You can't believe you missed such amazing shenanigans! Blasphemy! Blasphemy to the Pranking Gods everywhere!

"Yes, yes, we missed you too Jade!" says John patting you on the shoulder.

Still a bit bummed out you let out a sigh, "So what's next on the list?"

John flips open his cell and skims down, "Um… Oh! _14. Grab a guitar and start singing Wake Me Up When September Ends in a loud shrieking half screaming voice._"

A grin spreads across your face, this, this was your forte. You could do this. This. Was. Your. Moment. Now was your –

_Buzz… Buzz…_

Oh Jegus…! Who was pestering you?

_- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -_

CG: HARLEY.

CG: ATTENTION HARLEY. THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. FOR FUCKS SAKE HARLEY, I CAN SEE YOU. ARE YOU GOING TO BE LIKE STRIDER AND BE A JACKASS ABOUT ALL THIS? I'M SURE THE ASSHOLE FORGOT TO TELL YOU GUYS THE HORRIBLE NEWS.

CG: HARLEY.

GG: what?

GG: im busy! i am about to have my moment of truth,

GG: dont ruin it with your crabbiness!

CG: FUCK HARLEY, I AM TRYING TO WARN YOU OF YOUR IMMPENDING HELL.

CG: NEPETA DISAPPEARED SOMEPLACE, AND EQUIUS RAN OFF AFTER HER. TEREZI IS SOMEWHERE WITH VIRSKA BUT FUCK IF I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE UP TO.

GG: romantic wise?

CG: NO. NO DAMN IT! DONT PUT THE IMAGE OF THEM HATE SLOGGING INTO MY HEAD. JUST. DONT. DO. IT. NOW WE ARE GOING TO TAKE THAT BEHIND THAT PRETTY LITTLE SHED OVER THERE – YOU SEE THAT SHED HARLEY? - AND WE ARE GOING TO PROCEED TO SHOOT THAT THOUGHT IN THE HEAD.

CG: WHY?

CG: BECAUSE ITS STUPID AS FUCK!

GG: wow, someone's crabby today…

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. BE PREPARED TO SEE NEPETA AND EQUIUS SOON, ALL HELLS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE.

CG: HAVE FUN.

_- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -_

…

…

You suddenly understood jackshit…

"Jade? Are you alright? Who pestered you?" asked John raising an eyebrow.

You smile and shake your head, KK could wait; now was your moment of truth! "I'll do number fourteen!"

"Really? You can play guitar Jade?"

"Of course I can!" you answer, really, what kind of a Harley would you be if you couldn't?

You proceed to walk to the front of the store and captchalogue your trusty guitar from your sylladex. You sit down cross legged and position your hands correctly before clearing your throat, people are looking now, starting to slow to a stop. You draw in a breath…

"_**SUMMER HAS COME AND PAST THE INNOCENT CAN NEEEEEVER LAAAAST! WWWWAAAAKKKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEE~~EEMBER ENDS!**_" you screech as you sway back and forth, "_**LIKE MY FATHERS! COME TO PASS~~~! SEVEN YEARS! HAVE GONE TO PASS~~! WAKE ME UP – **_!"

Oh no! It's Security!

But they won't catch you this time! Scrambling to your feet, you do what you do best and Lass Scamper the heck out of there! … Unfortunately you bump into a wall…

Whoa… the world is spinning… hahaha… you say hello to the mating squiddles floating around your head as your eyes spin and the world tilts. Suddenly you're scooped up of the ground and you're moving again.

"Jake?"

"Hello Jade!" you take notice of his uncharacteristic ruffled demeanor and shake your head of the squiddles.

"Where'd you run off to?"

Jake doesn't answer as he looks away from your suspicious gaze with a nervous laugh. Hummm… you'd have to pry it out of your paradox, would be, grandson/grandpa later. Preferably when your head settles.

But first!

"Thanks Jake."

"It's no trouble Jade!" he replies with a grin, "Oh, and by the way, golly good Lass Scamper there Jade!

* * *

_**A/N: Yes. Yes I was totally trollin' you guys in this chapter. You mad Bro~~?**_

_**But don't worry, Dave will be back again next chapter. :3 **_

_**.**_

**_._**

**_._**

**_Remember to Review._**

**_((EDIT: THERE. FIXED. 38D What is fixed you asked? Edgbert's - ahem EGBERT'S name of course 38D... I wonder what made me think "Edge" for seven chapters... D=... but seriously Bros, tell me when I misspell crap like that, I'm still new to the fandom lol XD... In fact, I'm currently rereading Act 5 cause, apparently, I missed a lot of weird plot shit. :3. Note to self: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SKIP THE PESTERLOGS!))  
_**


	8. DAVE: Analyze feelings

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Homestuck. I will inform you all with TEARS OF mOtHeRfUcKiNg JOY when I suddenly do.**  
_

* * *

_== DAVE: Analyze feelings_

* * *

You watch as English and Harley arrive back to your group's little furniture meeting space. Both their faces are split into wide grins, green eyes sparkling like lame ass Twilight Vampires as he sets her down on the couch next to Jane.

In this moment you can clearly tell they are related.

Your Bro walks over and perches on the arm of the comfy chair you are sitting in. Creepy. Why? Because normally he would _stand_, like the badass he is with his arms crossed over his chest. Not this gay shit… wait… this also could mean something else entirely.

… Gog you hope you're wrong…

You scoot over begrudgingly as he looks at you pointedly. He squeezes in next to you. Then – before you can even blink – you're on his fucking lap.

You,

_A seventeen year-old boy_,

Are _sitting_ on your Bro's,

_A twenty-six year-old man's_ (though he doesn't quite look it…)

Lap.

Now let's play a game… _WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-WRONG-WITH-THIS-PICTURE_?

Your right eye begins to twitch. "Bro."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Bro, what the fuck, just… seriously Bro, What. The. Fuck."

"Ya seemed lonely Lil' Man."

"Let me up."

"Not until you stop glaring at your future brother-in-law." You… you wear glaring…? Huh. No wonder English kept on stealing glances in your direction.

"_Let. Me. Up._" You grind out, struggling to sit up right (and failing… but you refuse to admit that).

"What is your beef with my best bro/fiancé anyway?"

"_Fuck you._" You all but snarl, you have officially lost your cool in a span of three minutes. Wow. It had been a while since Bro had irritated you this much… it should have stayed that way. "So help me I will _strife_ your ass. Right here. Right now. I WILL make it happen Bro. Right in the middle of this Wal-Mart, I will kick your ass-pirating _ass_. "

A scoff, "Like you could Lil' man… now answer the question."

You grind your teeth, "I. Don't. Have. _Shit_. With. Him. Happy? Let's move on."

"Oh please, I can feel you glaring holes into the backs of our heads, now what's the issue?"

"I. DON'T. HAVE. AN. ISSUE. Jegus Bro, do we have to do this now?" Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Son of a _bitch_, fucking _Rose Lalonde _was watching this shit go down. You did not want to be pestered for tentacle therapy damn it!

"_**AHEM.**_ Dirky~ we've all got shit to fuck up, if you havenezzzs... uh… what was the word…? _Haven't_, forgotten. Nobody is interested in your stupid attempts in being a father."

"Go screw John and Croker's dad."

Roxy's jaw dropped. "Ah- AH- HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?"

"Holy shit. I was right?"

You glance over in John's direction to see Jade rubbing his back in soothing circles (damn, you'd be pretty disturbed to…) In light of your boyfriend's sanity, you flip open your cellphone and pull up the list. "_16. Randomly place twenty four bags of condoms in people's carts _and _17. Go up to an employee and in a official tone say "code three in house ware" and see what happens._"

"I haven't done anything yet so I guess this one's mine." Says your Bro turning away from your indignant ecto-mom… why did you just think that…?

"Good luck Strider." Says English with a smile, (damn, he was practically glowing… you wonder why, but think about it for a while and decide you'd rather not know…) giving you a nervous glance when you grimace. Bro gives you a slap upside the head and pecks him on the cheek for good measure.

Just as you are about to flick him off, John gives you a peck on the cheek – setting your shades askew.

…

Again, your tits are chilled. You cannot say the same for your cheeks though.

* * *

Your Bro is fucking awesome.

No if, ands, or buts. Anyone who said otherwise would get their ass kicked by your said big brother, and every bone broken in their bodies by yourself. Flash stepping back and forth from the condom isle, and placing twenty-four bags into the carts of poor unsuspecting pedestrians. Did you use the word epic? No? Your Bro is fucking epic. The very _definition _of cool.

This contradicts what you said earlier, but you are not talking about his shitty personality right now, now are you?

After the shelves are empty and a symphony of girlish screams of horror, accompanied by rushed explanations your Bro saunters back over to your group and sits down beside your...

_Future. Brother-in-Law…_

Jegus. That actually hurt. That _physically _hurt for you to _think_.

What was your deal with English anyway?

You weren't completely sure… was it your childish need to keep your Bro to yourself – like sort of like all those various crappy-ass movies where Kid A hates Adult B for "stealing" his or her certified guardian from them that's been their only role-model in their life for who knows how long… or it could just be that he shares a last name with that undying demon lord that was _hella_ hard to kill.

Could be that.

Or a mixture of both.

You aren't quite sure. But English still pisses you off.

Pfft… Brother-complex? What the fuck are you reviewer talking about?

"Dave. You are glaring again…"

"Shit. Really?"

"Yeah…" you close your eyes and draw in a… Deep. Breath. There, all better. You train your eyes on a nice. Comfortable. Wall.

"Is anything wrong Strider?"

"As I recall Lalonde I'm not required for tentacle therapy until this bet ends."

"No, no, this isn't tentacle therapy, this is genuine worry that you are going to spontaneously combust. I would prefer not to have to sweep up your ashes."

"I'm fine. Jegus. Anyway, I'm doing the next one I guess." You stand from your chair and stretch.

"Really now?" she says raising an eyebrow.

You roll your eyes and head over to an average looking collage-student-here-for-the-summer employ chick, brown hair, brown eyes, blank bystander look – possibly single due to the depressive air that seems to cling to single people – namely, Jade and Jane (who may or may not be with Roxy, you can never quite tell…)

She takes one look at you and her jaw drops as she hurries to smooth out her hair and slap on a flirtious smile.

You grimace, Gog, let's just get this shit over with… "There's a code 3 in house ware." You say nonchalantly.

She smiles dumbly and flips her hair. "Mmhum… Hey cutie, what's your name? I'm Amanda…" Did she even hear you?

Yep, she was definitely coming onto you. Shit, being a hot piece of Strider ass sure was difficult at times. Too bad your boyfriend was _way _more adorable than this bitch, otherwise, you would've considered hitting that.

"Sorry… Amanda was it? Not interested." You state immediately, but she attaches herself to your arm. Son of a –

"Come on… take my number?"

"I'm screwing someone else."

She pouts – again, Egbert's is _way _cuter, "Aw, but can't you give me a chance."

"I play for the other team, sorry chickie." Not a _complete _lie, you were bi but she didn't need to know this fact.

"We can change that…" Desperate. Shit. She was the desperate type.

Losing your patience you open your mouth to give a snarky – ironic – reply when… shit. John.

He yanks you away from her – since when was he this strong? – And glares straight at her. Just. _Glares_. For about thirty seconds. Do you know how long thirty seconds is? You aren't sure… it feels like an hour. But after a moment she glares right back… are these two having a silent argument? Over you?

For the first time you can't think of anything ironic to say, shit, the tension is suffocating…

Then, abruptly, she stalks away grumbling under her breath and John jerks you back to the furniture section and shoves you down on the couch, then, he sits in your lap.

There is silence.

"… John?"

"Yeah Rose?" you cringe; his mood did a complete 180… you look around as everyone has equal uneasy looks. It isn't often that the Heir of Breath gets pissed. But when he does… best not be in his way.

Hey, at least he bounces back quick.

Lalonde hesitates then shakes her head, "Never mind, but you want to read the next number?"

"Oh? Sure! Okay…" he skims his phone, "Uh… _18. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department_."

"Oh! Oh! Can I do this?"

"Sure thing Nepeta!"

…

…

…

Wait a second… Wait a second… _**Wait a goddamned second.**_ _Pause_. _Rewind_. _Fast-forward. And Freeze_.

What the flying fuck?

* * *

_**A/N: Sorry I didn't update yesterday guys! I… fell asleep… for… about twenty hours… yeah… :/… I wasn't even sick.**_

_**But moving on! Yes. Believe it or not this story has plot! =D… Well… subplots… but still totally plots! XDD Anyway, if you guys want to drop requests for numbers you are quite welcome to. Here is the list I'm using:**_

_**http: / / .com / fun / 333-ways-to-get-kicked-out-of-wal-mart-this-is-funny / blog-202553 /**_

_**If I like the request I just may take you up on it ;)… if you get rejected =D… It means I can't write it due to my failure as an FN writer…**_

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_**Review and put a smile on my face. 0_0**_


	9. DAVE: Roleplay with KittyTroll

_**DISCLAIMER: Considering the webcomic was MAGICALLY =D updated while I was on vacation… nope. Still don't own Homestuck.**_

* * *

_== DAVE: Roleplay with Kitty-Troll_

* * *

"Now Nepeta… we are going to ask you again – and _please for the love of Gog give us a straight answer _– how did you get here?"

"AC spots a butterfly fluttering through the air, she crouches, preparing to pounce… She looks to her companions and sticks out her tongue in a teasing manner, I have my ways, she says." (Do you even need to describe that? She damn well told the lot of you what she did. No. Fuck it, you are not repeating that shit.)

Jade's eye gives a twitch; she stands from her place where she had been crouching in front of the chair and walks over to a nearby continently placed pillar, "GRRRAAAAGH!" English yanks her back just in time.

"Whoa Jade! Don't get your knickers all in a twist lass!"

"_**AAAUUGH!**_"

"John, do help me out here?"

"Jade…"

"GRRRAAAAGH!"

"Jade…"

This cycle had been going on for thirty minutes. Thirty-mOtHeRfUcKiNg-minutes of your life. _Wasted. _

"Nepeta."

"AC refuses to answer you unless you roleplay with her."

You lip nearly twitches into a snarl but you take a deep breath. "TG asks why the hell the stupid ass kitty-troll is in a human Wal-Mart."

"AC inquires as to what a Wal-Mart is, tail twitching curiously. And she is also not stupid. She is a purrfect specimen of a troll."

"TG answers that it is like a place, that has everything, and humans buy their shit from said place. And yes. AC is very stupid. She is the weirdest troll out of the twelve, besides her creepy ass palemate-alien-brofriend who gets off on getting ordered around."

"AC hisses at the stupid TG human. Why is he such a insufferable prick?"

"TG rolls his eyes, 'I've always been an insufferable prick, it' in my nature.' He says with soul-crushing sarcasm."

"AC's whisker's twitch as her eyes sparkle with mischief, 'You aren't one to your matesprit.' She says as her soul remains intact."

"TG answers that he is but does so in a slightly more bearable fashion."

"AC scrunches up her nose in confusion but shrugs it off. She states that aliens sure are werid.

"TG answers with a 'ditto'." Jegus, this was pointless… "TG again inquires how AC got here."

"AC replies, 'It is veeerrry simple~! I used the transporter in your Lusus' hive and walked over!'"

"TG fucking gives up on understanding how that technology works."

"AC gave up long ago~!"

"… Are you two done?" Rose interrupts to your relief.

"Hehe! Yes, yes, I'm done. That was fun, we should role play again sometime Dave!"

"No."

Little idiot troll gives you a pout, "You're no fun…"

"Damn straight."

"So! I just have to hunt –"

"Stalk." Rose cut in.

" – stalk a random adult human right~?" cue weird-ass ":3" face here.

"Yeah, that's what the list says…" Jade says, face muffled by the shaggy orange 80s hippy rug (fuck if you know _why_,you decide to just go with it) she was being pinned against by Jake and Jane. "And I'm calm already, Jegus! Let me up...!"

"Are you sure you're _okay _now…?" said Egbert cautiously as he crouched down next to her.

"Yes, damn it John, I'm fiiiiiinnnnnne~~~~!" she whined, squirming. A nod was given between the three and Harley's arms and legs were released. "Damn trolls…" she grumbles under her breath rubbing her sore wrists.

"I'm off, oh! This is going to be pawsitively~ the most fun roleplay yet!"

Jegus… You had a bad feeling about all this.

She skipped off toward and unsuspecting old lady and stopped a few feet away from her. Then, she just stared. And stared. And stared…. Until finally the old woman gave her a weird look ("Kids these days… dressin' like demons…) and walked off towards the dairy isle.

Nepeta followed.

"AC stalks her prey with shocking preciseness – nose twitching in tune with her tail."

"… Uh…"

"AC's backside raises in the air as she prepares to pounce, her prey will never see it coming, yet she can _smell _the fear."

"LINUS! LINUS! A STRANGE DEMON'S FOLLOWIN' ME! LINUS! SHE'S GONNA EAT ME! _**LINUUUUSSSS!**_"

"SHUT UP MA! TAKE YER MEDS!"

"I DON'T NEED MY MEDS! THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ALL GRAY! I DON'T LIKE 'EM THEY'RE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL IS WHAT THEY ARE!"

A typical redneck in his mid-twenties or so walks over to the scene, red-faced in anger, "CONSON IT MA! SHUT YER MOUTH AND TAKE YER FUCKING MEDS!"

"AC eases out of her crouching position in confusion at the unexpected turn, two to one – how would she claim her prey now…? What could she – agh!" Nepeta yelped as she was lifted by the back of her oversized jacket and brought over to where you and your friends were hiding behind the wall.

"Nepeta…"

"_HIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!_"

Oh. That creepy robot-horse-furry-loving dude.

"Nepeta, what did I tell you about engaging in such activities you are above such things – … Please stop biting my arm, if I happen to flex you _will _break all of your teeth."

"_**HIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!**_"

"Nepeta…"

This exchange goes on for quite a while – you aren't sure for how long exactly but it's pretty damn long considering that it was previously sunset and now it's dark outside…

Finally (thank Gog) Equius tosses her over his shoulder and gives us all a blank look, "I am sorry about my moirail, she came here without my consent."

"No trouble, it was about time for us all to take our leave anyway… besides, it was rather fun." Rose states with a smirk, "I guess we'll all go home together."

"… Is that an order?"

You decide to cut in, Jegus what was up with this guy? "Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat." You grimace as he begins to sweat profeesly.

_Fucking weird-ass Trolls… _

* * *

_**A/N: =) I'm back from St. Louis. I typed this on the ride back – didn't have the list so I had to make due lol… Anyway, yeah. Next chapter is an Intermission type of thing. (Oh no… D=… the crappy plotline the authoress mentioned earlier…) Just a heads up. We get to see Davey analyze his feelings some more! =DDD… Yay! 38D**_

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_**So, did ya guys miss me? Review and tell me XDD**_


	10. I DAVE: Attempt to analyze feelings

_**DISCLAIMER: I'm not even OLD enough to have copyright over anything, let alone Homestuck. **_

* * *

_== [INTERMISSION] DAVE: Attempt to Analyze feelings with Bro_

* * *

You sigh as you rub your temples, eye clenched shut. Jegus. All you wanted to do was drop John and everyone else off at their hotel they were all staying at (because OBVIOUSLY you and Bro's apartment couldn't house eight people…) go home, and (ironically) watch _My Little Pony Friendship is Magic_.

You know – like bros do.

… But no. Who had ended up walking home with the two of you? John and English – son of a…! Not that you minded John, John was all right, John could sleep with you. But English…

No.

Fuck that shit.

Fucker needed to sleep on the fucking couch; you REFUSED to listen to those two go at it all night – or worse yet, talk about… Jegus… _feelings _with the two of them (and Egbert) double-teaming you… and now dinner had just ended, Nepeta had been forcefully carried to the tranport. Bro eyed you with that same – Strider – look from earlier. The Prince was waiting.

Your shit was wrecked.

"So, Lil' man…"

"I'm going to bed early." You say, standing and making a move for the door; however, your Bro is in front of you in seconds. You groan.

"Oh no you don't Lil' man. We are going to sit here, and we are going to ironically talk like pussies over our feelings like family is supposed to." He gives you a smirk.

"Fuck off Bro."

"No can do 'Davey'."

"So help me Gog, I will strife you right here, right now Bro. Now get out of my way." You cross your arms and stand up straight, damn, even now you were only up to the asshole's chin.

In a flash you are suddenly sitting on the couch – sitting next to English, who gives you a friendly smile. You return this with a blank look as you look off to the side in irritation.

"Bro, what the fuck are you doing."

"We are all going to sit down. Like the civilized fucks that I know we aren't…"

"Geeze, English has you whipped." You mutter, "I thought Striders beat the shit out of each other to convey feelings. But obviously my boyfriend's ecto-dad has my Bro whipped, he's gone softer than whipped cream left out to – wow this is already turning out gay… Should I continue with this messed up metaphor or should I abscond? Meh, I pick abscond." you make a move to flash step to the hallway.

Bro yanks you back by your collar, effectively _choking you_ (oh yeah, that's GREAT parenting right there Bro.) And shoves you roughly back onto the couch next to English. You allow yourself a growl this time, no, really, you are currently searching your strife deck for your shitty swords bitches. Dave Strider is going to strife this fuckers ass –

A hand clutches yours (Gog damn it…) and John smiles at you nervously. _"Please calm down Dave… for me?" _he whispers as he beams straight at you. You feel your cheeks grow warm as you stare down at him for a long moment.

…

…

…

For the third time in twenty-four hours your tits are chilled. And you wonder, how the fuck does _Egderp _of all people have you whipped?

"Done being a pussy Lil' man? Great. Now what's been buggin' ya. Ya see? I ain't fakin' my accent no more. This is how serious an' unironic I'm bein' right now. Ya've been actin' weird since me an' Jake started datin'. Now tell me what's up Lil' bro." his Texan accent is thick. Way thicker than yours is when you stop hiding it. It can be _annoying as fuck _to not let them slip at home. But unfortunately, your Bro is a fucking dick. So due to Strider bullshit training, you had to keep it up. All. The. Time. To the point were it became nature.

But we aren't talking about unironic Texan accents now are we?

"I ain't no pussy. And stop being a considerate older brother. Talk fucking normally, or wait… nothing about you is even moderately normal… well, just talk like you usually do. This family meeting bullshit already is giving me a headache as is."

Bro shrugged and sat down on a chair across from you. "Yeah, yeah. I got it Lil' man. Yankee accent it is happy?"

"Ironically."

He smirked, "That's my man." He ruffles your hair and you allow yourself a small smile (the ones reserved for Egbert and your Bro only.

To their credit, John and English looked slightly confused by this exchange but decide to brush it aside you suppose, since they don't question it.

"Now what's your deal with my future wifey?"

"I'm not the wife."

"Shut up, yes you are English. We all know you're the uke." Whatever the hell _that _means.

"I am not! You're the uke sometime as well ol' champ! Remember that time in the woods…"

"Damn it Jake, what did I say about never speaking of that again. _We don't fucking speak of it. We __**never **__speak of that time._" … You decide you don't want to know what a uke is.

"This why."

Your Bro raised an eyebrow, "And you don't argue like this with John-boy over there?"

"No, fuck, I mean, that's not what I meant."

"Wow Dave, Roxy's right, I really fucked up in raising you if you're not smart enough to be able to put your thoughts in to a couple fucking sentences. Maybe you do get your stupid from her…"

"Fuck you Bro, we rarely have conversations over three minutes; cut me some fucking slack – and don't you dare go there, don't you dare go into this ecto-biology bullshit now. It already fucks with my head now, I don't need it to do more."

He nods and waits for me to continue. "Go on."

"… Okay." _Metaphor… metaphor… ironic metaphor…_ "… Aw fuck… I can't do this… fucking –"

Bang!

Suddenly, your vision is obscured by grayish smoke before you can finish your sentence, "Come on…" John whispers grabbing your hand, though you can't see this action… like, at all… Before you can even take the time to close your mouth, you and John are sprinting down the hallway and to your room. He closes and locks the door.

By the way, you are still processing as to what the hell just happened.

Your eyes are wide behind your shades but you amazingly keep your Strider face on. He just grins at you. "... Did you just use the smoke pellets for a chance to abscond?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"You didn't look like you wanted to answer." He explained with a shrug. "So I didn't want anyone to force you to – I know how much you hate talking about feelings."

You give your boyfriend a crooked grin as you scoff, "Then thanks I guess Egderp… But hell's still going to come to Earth tomorrow regardless…"

He raised and eyebrow, "… Um… why?"

"Because we've still gotta get kicked out of _motherfucking Wal-Mart_." You say as you plop down on your bed with a groan.

* * *

_**A/N: Pointless intermission time! 38D boy to I love trollin' you guys. But well… it has something to do with the fic… I guess. Heh, but don't be pissed at me~ Hey, at least the chapter wasn't up TOO late.**_

_**And to my faithful readers wondering when updates will be. Mostly daily, this may change later on when my mom volunteers me to teach little kids how to dance – the fuck? I can't dance for crap what makes her think… ahem… But times to stalk this fic for updates are six – midnight (Central timezone wise for those that live in like Cali and NY XD)**_

… _**And again. I have found myself hating the Naruto fanfiction category D=… The stupid ones are stupid. Especially the ones that ENCOURAGE that shit damn it HBFIKDJSSDUIGBFOAPHD! *deep breath* I would rage at them and set those ten year-old brats straight – but I have no words. I don't want to waste a constructive review on shit that isn't salvageable and with advice that they ignore… :/ Not to mention I don't think I have the energy to get dozens of angry butt-hurt pre-teen replies in my inbox. Not worth it.**_

_**~End Rant~**_

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_**Reviews are much appricitated~ was this a good idea or a terrible one. Should it be done every once in a while or do you all prefer that everything take place in Wal-Mart? Give me feedback! I DEMAND IT!**_


	11. DAVE: Sleep

_== DAVE: Sleep_

* * *

Yet again you and your friends stood before the hellhole know by the simple name of "Wal-Mart".

Son of _bitch_, how the fuck did they drag you back here?

…

AT TEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, DAMN IT YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO SLEEP UNTIL ELEVEN AT THE EARLIEST.

"Dave."

"What do you want now Lalonde?"

She gives you a slight smile, "Don't forget our promise."

You give a roll of your eyes from behind your shades, "Yeah, sure, whatever. The bet is hammered into my fucking mind. It is so hammered into my mind, the screw that would have been loose can't and wasn't because it is _so goddamned hammered into my mind_."

"Dave!" _"Dave, Dave, oh my sweet piece of Strider ass where are you…?" _is what your boyfriend meant to say. As a matter of fact everyone should call your name like that! It is a proper and totally ironic way to call a Strider… except for Rose and Bro. That would be fucking creepy, so they are excerpt from this new law.

But seriously…

"Dave, hey are you and Rose coming or what?"

"Yes John, we are coming. Please refrain from having a mental freak out, we are just enjoying our final moments before we spiral down into insanity. Are you satisfied John? We are in the store. We are in the stupid cheap-ass, bargain friendly Wal-Mart that is slowly taking over the world as we speak. Are you happy now John?"

"… You okay there Rose?"

"I am perfectly fine. I am simply preparing for the incoming 'shit-storm' is all."

He nods slowly but flips open his cell anyway, "Lets see… um… _19. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. _This looks kinda fun!"

"Shit really John? Don't you have any self respect as a person, like, _at all_?" you say sarcastical –… ironically.

"Course not Dave. If I had any, would I be dating an insufferable prick like you?" damn cheeky bastard…

"Point taken."

"You two done releasing sexual tensions?"

Egderp turns cherry red (who blushes that hard?) and takes a sudden interest in the comfortably white wall. You glare at your Bro. "The fuck? You and English have WAY more sexual tension that me and Egderp."

"As I recall, _you two _are the hormonal teenagers, am I right?" you rub your temples, a migraine forming, when suddenly, someone pecks your cheek.

"… Have fun…" you mutter lowly, as he gives you one last smile before skipping (Jegus, how _'I am not a homosexual'_ can you get?) off to the nearby card isle, he picked up a tube of wrapping paper. And as luck would have it a group of some rather… obnoxious football jock-scum-wannabes came walking on by, John grimaced and threw back his arm – tube in hand. His face sort of red.

"I-I challenge you to a duel!"

There was a long dead silence.

Then they all laughed.

"Dude! What a nerd!"

"Does he go to our school?" "

Naw man, I think he's a friend of Strider's!"

"Isn't he like, totally an ass-pirate or something?"

"Yeah, _dude I know right? DUDE_…"

Good old tolerant Texas. For you are Jesus, we would worship you. If only for your _oh so fucking __**tolerant**_citizens.

John… actually looks relatively unfazed; in fact his face is kinda blank… like, right before a shit storm blank. You'd seen that look ONCE before. And that was right before Jack got his fucking ass handed to him by… Who? _Revenge of FUCKING Ragnarok BITCHES_. The _Heir of Breath_ will _**WRECK **_your shit.

You heard three girlish screams as the jocks scampered off, John's back was to you, so you had no fucking clue what he just did. But hell, if the knowing (and proud(?)) look Jade wore and the sudden "unnatural-un-air-conditioned" breeze that was suddenly whirling within the Wal-Mart gave you any indication, it was in your best interest not to question it. Hey, your boyfriend was fucking badass, in the most unironic way possible he was a fucking badass. This was just… a… _subtle _reminder… not to ever piss your Egderp off, like, _really _piss him off. Like. Ever.

Yeah…

Let's go with that.

"Shit John, you never had an issue with shitty jocks? Like, at all?" you mutter with a raised eyebrow, "No offense, but you look like the type to be fucked around with, you know, with those dorky buck teeth of yours, not to mention the square rimmed glasses. All that's missing is that sucky 90s nerd tap and a pocket protector – shit'll be legit bro."

John grins and gives you a light punch to the arm, "Will you just shut up for _once _Dave?"

"Naw, I think I'm cool."

"That wasn't a question. It was rhetorical."

"That's why I answered it."

John rolls his eyes playfully and gives you a pat on the back (what, no peck on the cheek?) "How'd I know that'd be how you'd reply?"

"Come on John. It's me."

"Right."

"What did we say about releasing sexual tensions?" Rose said off handedly.

"_THEY AREN'T SEXUAL TENSIONS." _You and John say in unison (like the true fucking gay-ironic-rainbow-couple you are. With Bro's ironic ponies and all.)

"Yeah they are." Bro cuts in.

"No they –"

"O-OKAY LET'S MOVE ON!" Jade exclaims loudly as she scrolls through her cellphone frantically. "Okay! _20. Lie on the floor. Just lie there. It is guaranteed to freak people out. Either pretend to be asleep, or to have passed out._

"This sounds fucking stupid Terezi, you know what would be the fucking _smart _thing to do? Go back to the fucking transporter and go to sleep. Why? Cause the sun's out and it's fucking with my eyesight!"

"Oh come off it Karkat! HEHEHE!"

"And stop that goddamn cackling damn it!"

_JEGUS FUCKING –! _

…

…

Damn trolls.

"Oh, hi Karkat!" John says with a grin. "When'd you get here?"

"A while ago! Sometime around when those adult looking humans scampered off like wigglers~!" Terezi chirped with a shit-eating grin, "By the way, hey there cool kid, still cool and candy-red?"

You hold out a fist and she bumps you, "You know it Terezi. So what brings the two of you here?"

"KK over here was being a dumbass so I dragged him to the transporter and we teleported him here. End of story."

"What was he raging about?"

"I think he missed you guys, HEHEHE~!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TEREZI! YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? … YEAH! THAT'S YOU SHUTTING THE FUCK UP!"

Your boyfriend proceeds to yank KK into a hug and… rub cheeks with him, "Aw~! We missed you too KK!"

"GET OFF ME FUCKASS!"

You should probably feel something akin to jealousy right now, but… fuck… this seen is so fucking _cute _on so many levels it's not even ironic … But this is still probably weird from the audience's point of view so you should probably stop this.

…

But not after a quick COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO on your iPhone… you know, for _happy time_.

Ahem…

Moving right along…

"So, where should we all pretend to sleep?" you ask as Egbert breaks apart from a (now candy-red) crabby alien.

"Somewhere where everyone will see of course! The open area in front of the checkout." Jade said with a grin.

"Sounds golly wonderful Jade!"… Now that you think about it, how the holy FUCK does English have an Australian accent? He grew up with paradox Grandma Jade on an isolated island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. What the fuck?

Anyway, with a few more arguments (predictably from Karkat's end) you were all off on your merry-fucking-way to the front of the store. Jade was the first to lie down… and you believe she went to sleep right away. Why weren't you surprised?

"I set my watch to about twenty minutes, that alright?" Jake said plopping down on to the floor, pillow in hand (you had all stolen one from various furniture displays while you were at it).

"Jegus, you humans have a fucking weird definition of the word 'sleep'."

"I regret to say that I must agree! Hehehe! Dave, its weird that your species have pillows instead of slime! That's just stupid!"

"… From our point of view, you guys are the weird fucks."

And so everyone agreed with out much trouble. But then.

Something you would immediately call bullshit on later occurred. You went over to lean against the wall to pretend to sleep; John skipped on after you of course… but shit. So did everyone else.

The fuck?

You shrug it off, maybe everyone was going in the same direction… you slide against the wall next to the Subway at the front that all Wal-Mart stores have of course, and put your pillow behind your head. You got comfortable. But again, a load of bullshit occurred in that moment. EVERYONE. LAID. AROUND. YOU. All with smirks and grins on their faces. Why? Just… why? Even KK sat next to you with a glare.

"You do realize I don't like you. At all. The only reason I came to this shithole of a universe is because Terezi dragged me here."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it KK so why are you sitting next to me then?"

"…" he closes his eyes and refuses to answer, you smirk knowing you won.

Minutes pass, you stare straight ahead, you technically don't need to close your eyes, and you and Bro have your kickass shades. People won't give two shits if you close your eyes to pretend to go to sleep if they can't _see_ your eyes.

Suddenly you feel a pressure on your shoulder, thinking it's John, you put an arm around the form. Then, you feel the horns. This shocks you a bit to say the least and you jump slightly. The fuck… _Karkat_? You hear a string of soft cackling and inwardly curse, as you don't want to draw too much attention to this rather compromising position and –

_DEAR GOG IS HE SNUGGLING YOUR CHEEK? YOU BELIEVE KARKAT VANTAS IS SNUGGLING YOUR CHEEK._

You groan as you yet again submit to your fate as his hands hold tightly to your shirt as he... _cuddles _with you… (Jegus, you hope John is cool with this…) Then, you realize he is actually asleep.

Then you decide you don't actually mind all that much.

…

Huh. Actually, sleep sounds pretty nice. Bro and English HAD kept you up all night (with your trained badass ninja ears) with their… _activities_ inappropriate for men their age who should _NOT_ HAVE THAT MUCH GODDAMN STAMINA!

Ahem.

Anyway, so your head began to bob and shit got all fuzzy like. And poof! Before you even knew it, you were chillin' on Derse.

* * *

_**A/N: Up kinda late again guys, sorry. =3 So yeah, I changed the numbers around. I can totally do that if you have a request. (Like the fluffy one you see above, asked for nicely by a miss**_ therandomrose1754_** XD.) Anyway, sorry for the late update! I'll try to get back in my five o'clock zone lol…**_

_**Ah, and sorry for the jab at Texans bros, no offense intended. Even got some good friends and close family up there ^ ^.**_

_**Anyway, review!**_


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